Welcome to the final article in our series, What to Do When Your Marriage is in Trouble. If you’ve just joined us, I encourage you to start from the beginning of the series. Each installment builds on the last, helping you create a roadmap for addressing challenges in your marriage one step at a time.
Today, we’re focusing on one of the most critical—and sometimes misunderstood—aspects of marital healing: seeking outside help.
Whether you’re facing communication breakdowns, toxic control patterns, or even navigating the complex terrain of a narcissistic spouse, involving the right third party can make all the difference. But how do you know where to start? And how do you find someone who can genuinely help? Let’s explore this in detail.
The Role of a Neutral Third Party: Pastor, Counselor, or Both?
When you realize you can’t fix things on your own, the next logical step is to involve a neutral third party. This could be a pastor, a professional counselor, or, in many cases, both. Each has a unique role to play, and understanding their strengths and limitations will help you make the most of their involvement.
Is a Pastor a Professional Counselor?
The short answer? No.
While pastors often have years of experience offering spiritual guidance, most are not trained as professional counselors. Their role is to provide biblical wisdom, pray with you, and help you explore God’s design for marriage. However, when it comes to complex dynamics like trauma, abuse, or mental health disorders, they usually lack the specialized training to dive deep into these issues.
Think of a pastor as your first responder. They’re an excellent resource for one to three visits, during which they can listen, pray, and offer biblical perspective. But after those initial sessions, it’s often best to ask for a referral. Most pastors have a network of trusted, spirit-filled, biblically-centered counselors they can recommend. This referral can bridge the gap between spiritual guidance and clinical expertise.
When Should You Transition to a Professional Counselor?
Here are some clear indicators it’s time to involve a professional counselor:
Complex or Recurring Issues: Patterns of conflict that persist despite your best efforts.
Trauma or Abuse: Emotional, physical, or psychological harm that requires deep healing.
Mental Health Concerns: Anxiety, depression, addiction, or other conditions impacting one or both spouses.
Narcissism: If one spouse exhibits manipulative or controlling behaviors, a specialized counselor is often necessary.
While pastors provide invaluable spiritual support, professional counselors offer tools, strategies, and clinical insights that are vital for addressing these deeper challenges.
Special Considerations for Narcissistic Marriages
If you’re married to a narcissist, counseling isn’t just challenging—it’s an advanced-level game of emotional chess. Narcissists are master manipulators, capable of twisting the narrative and charming even the most well-meaning counselors or pastors. Without the right guidance, the counseling process can leave you feeling more frustrated and confused than when you started.
Here’s the reality: narcissists thrive on control. They can present themselves as the victim, the hero, or the misunderstood genius, all while subtly gaslighting and deflecting blame. They may even use counseling as another stage to assert dominance. That’s why finding the right counselor—one who specializes in narcissistic abuse and high-conflict relationships—isn’t optional; it’s critical. Here’s how to make that happen:
1. Seek Referrals from Trusted Sources
Start with your pastor or church leadership. Many pastors maintain connections with Christian counselors who specialize in high-conflict marriages and abusive dynamics. But here’s the catch: not every pastor or counselor is equipped to handle narcissistic behavior. Be clear about your situation when asking for recommendations.
2. Look for Specific Expertise
Not all counselors are created equal, and in narcissistic marriages, you need someone who’s fluent in the language of manipulation. Look for counselors who explicitly list experience in narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, and high-conflict relationships. A generalist counselor might be great for communication issues, but they’re not prepared to untangle the web of control and charm a narcissist spins.
3. Ask the Right Questions
A little interview with your potential counselor can go a long way in determining if they’re the right fit. Ask them directly:
How do you address narcissistic behaviors in a counseling session?
What strategies do you use to ensure both spouses are heard without enabling manipulation?
How do you integrate biblical principles with clinical practices when working with high-conflict marriages?
If they fumble these questions or give vague answers, keep looking. You need someone who isn’t intimidated by a narcissist’s bravado or tactics.
4. Protect Yourself During the Process
Narcissists are skilled at using counseling as another tool to maintain control. They may try to manipulate the sessions, twist your words, or even charm the counselor into taking their side. This is why it’s crucial to have a counselor who’s seen these tactics before and knows how to navigate them. If you feel unheard or invalidated, speak up—or consider switching counselors.
Vetting Your Pastor: Are They Equipped to Help?
If you decide to begin with your pastor, here are a few things to consider:
Experience with Marital Issues: Ask if they’ve worked with couples facing similar challenges.
Approach to Confidentiality: Confirm that your discussions will remain private.
Willingness to Refer: A good pastor will know their limits and recommend professional help when necessary.
If your pastor is willing but lacks experience or training, be gracious. Thank them for their time and ask for a referral to someone with the expertise your situation requires.
How to Find a Spirit-Filled, Christian Counselor
Finding a counselor who is both clinically skilled and biblically grounded takes effort, but it’s worth it. Here’s how to start:
Use Trusted Resources
Check with your church, pastor, or organizations like the American Association of Christian Counselors for recommendations.Research Their Credentials
Look for licensed professionals (LMFT, LPC, or similar) who specialize in marriage counseling. Verify their training in trauma, abuse, or high-conflict relationships if needed.Pray for Discernment
Ask God to guide you to the right person. He knows your situation better than anyone and can open doors you hadn’t considered.
Interviewing a Counselor: Making Sure It’s the Right Fit
Interviewing a Counselor: Making Sure It’s the Right Fit
When you meet a potential counselor, treat the first session like a job interview. They’re not just here to hear your feelings and nod; they’re here to guide you through some of the most complicated, emotionally charged terrain you’ll ever encounter. You’re putting your marriage on the table, and not everyone’s equipped to handle that responsibility. Let’s break down how you figure out if they’re the real deal or just a well-meaning amateur with a clipboard.
What’s Your Experience with Marital Challenges?
The first question you need to ask is: “Have you actually worked with couples like us before?” This isn’t a time for vague philosophical musings about love or humanity. You want specifics. If they’ve spent the last 20 years helping people overcome fear of public speaking, that’s great, but it won’t help you figure out why your marriage feels like a Cold War standoff.
A solid counselor should be able to explain their experience clearly. “Yes, I’ve worked with couples dealing with trust issues, communication breakdowns, and power imbalances. Here’s how I approach it.” That’s the kind of answer you’re looking for. If they start saying things like, “Well, all relationships are unique,” that’s counselor-speak for, “I have no idea what I’m doing.”
Marriage counseling is a specialized field. If you’re dealing with complex dynamics like narcissism or manipulation, you need someone who’s not just good but very good. Think of it like going to a mechanic. You wouldn’t bring your Tesla to a guy who’s only ever worked on lawnmowers.
Finding the Right Christian Counselor: Spirit-Filled, Biblically Sound, and Grounded
When looking for a counselor as a Christian, it’s essential to find someone who shares your Biblical values, and is equipped to balance spiritual truths with practical strategies.
Ask them directly: “How do you integrate biblical principles into your counseling?”
This isn’t just about knowing Bible verses—it’s about how they weave those principles into the real-world tools you need for healing and growth.
A solid Christian counselor might say, “I view marriage as a covenant before God, not just a contract. I incorporate biblical principles alongside evidence-based practices to help couples address challenges and grow closer.” This reflects a healthy balance between faith and practical application.
However, avoid extremes. Some counselors may lean too heavily into the "woo-woo" zone, where everything is left up to supernatural intervention without addressing the practical work required for change. While it’s amazing to have a Spirit-filled counselor, remember that neither the Holy Spirit nor the counselor can “supernaturally fix” the deeper patterns or “software issues” of your soul. Healing takes effort, responsibility, and intentionality from both you and your spouse.
At the same time, avoid counselors who dismiss faith entirely with comments like, “We don’t deal with religion here.” Your counselor should see your relationship as more than just a partnership—it’s a spiritual journey as well.
Ultimately, the Holy Spirit will be faithful to do what only He can do, but rebuilding your marriage requires you to step into the hard work of change.
A Christian counselor who is biblically literate, Spirit-filled, and grounded can guide you, but transformation begins when you’re ready to take responsibility and actively participate in the process.
What’s Your Strategy for Addressing Manipulative or Controlling Behaviors?
If your marriage involves manipulation or control—and let’s be honest, most relationships have a little of that—this question is critical.
Ask: “How do you address manipulative or controlling behaviors in counseling?”
This is where a counselor proves whether they’re playing checkers or chess. A good one will tell you they focus on creating a safe space, balancing power dynamics, and identifying unhealthy patterns without immediately vilifying one spouse.
A bad one might say, “We let the couple work it out together.” Well, that’s great if you’re arguing over where to eat, but if one person is gaslighting the other, “working it out” isn’t going to cut it.
A great counselor knows that manipulation thrives in ambiguity. They’ll bring clarity to the situation by calling out toxic behaviors, setting boundaries, and ensuring both partners are heard. You need someone who’s not afraid to say, “Hey, that’s not okay,” even if it ruffles some feathers.
What’s Your Approach to Confidentiality?
Confidentiality is the glue that holds counseling together. Without it, you’re just venting to a stranger who might as well livestream your sessions. So ask: “What’s your approach to confidentiality?”
A competent counselor will explain their rules upfront. Generally, everything you say stays in the room—unless there’s abuse, threats of harm, or something legally mandated.
They’ll also clarify how they handle joint sessions versus individual sessions. If one of you spills a secret during a solo session, will they keep it private or bring it up later in front of your spouse? These are things you need to know.
If their answer is vague or they seem dismissive about confidentiality, it’s a no-go. You’re here to build trust, not create more reasons to distrust the process.
What to Look For in Their Answers
When you ask these questions, pay attention to more than just the words. A good counselor’s responses should make you feel safe, understood, and hopeful. Here’s what to look for:
Clarity: They should explain their approach without sounding like they just Googled “marriage counseling 101.”
Confidence: They know what they’re doing and aren’t afraid to lay out their strategy.
Balance: They’re empathetic but firm, addressing issues without taking sides prematurely.
If you walk away from the session thinking, “I trust this person to help us unpack our mess without making it worse,” you’ve probably found a keeper.
Red Flags to Watch Out For in a Counselor
Finding the right counselor is like picking a mechanic for your soul. You wouldn’t trust your car to someone who says, “Let’s just pray over the engine and see what happens,” and you shouldn’t trust your marriage to someone who dodges your questions or pushes their own agenda. So, let’s dive into what to avoid:
1. Avoidance
If you ask, “How do you integrate faith into your counseling?” and they respond with, “Well, we kind of just go with the flow,” run. Fast. Vague answers are the counseling equivalent of bringing a spoon to a knife fight—they’re just not equipped for the complexity of your situation. You need someone who knows how to dive deep, not someone who’s skimming the surface.
2. Over-Siding
If your counselor immediately takes one spouse’s side—congratulations, you just paid for a referee, not a counselor. A good counselor stays neutral to help both of you uncover the truth. If they’re already picking favorites, they’re not ready to handle the dynamics of your relationship. You don’t need a cheerleader for one side; you need a coach for the whole team.
3. Dismissiveness
Picture this: You open up about a major issue, and they say, “Oh yeah, I’ve seen this a thousand times. It’s no big deal.”
Translation? They’ve either lost their passion for helping or they’re too jaded to care. If your problems feel small to them, how can they help you tackle the big stuff? You want a counselor who listens like your problems matter—because they do.
4. Too Woo-Woo
Look, it’s great to have a Spirit-filled counselor, but if their solution to every problem is “Let’s just pray about it and let God do the rest,” they’re overselling the supernatural. The Holy Spirit is powerful, no doubt, but He’s not your marriage mechanic here to fix everything while you binge Netflix. You and your spouse have to do the work. It’s not magic; it’s effort.
5. Faithless Faith
On the flip side, if they dismiss faith altogether with something like, “Oh, we don’t really get into religion here,” that’s a hard pass. You’re not looking for a lecture on cognitive behavioral therapy devoid of God; you’re looking for someone who gets that your faith is part of the solution.
Trust Your Gut
At the end of the day, you’ve got to trust your instincts. A counselor might check all the professional boxes but still not feel like the right fit for you and your spouse. And that’s okay. This is one of the most important decisions you’ll make for your marriage, so don’t settle.
If you feel safe, respected, and understood, you’re on the right track. If not, keep looking. There’s a counselor out there who’s ready to help you navigate this journey with wisdom, compassion, and a healthy dose of practicality. Don’t stop until you find them.
After all, this isn’t just about fixing what’s broken—it’s about building something better. And that’s worth the effort.
Maximizing the Counseling Process
Counseling isn’t like ordering a pizza—you can’t just show up, pay the fee, and expect all your problems to be neatly delivered with extra cheese. It’s a process that takes time, effort, and a big ol’ dose of honesty. Here’s how to make sure you’re squeezing every drop of value out of those sessions.
1. Be Transparent
This isn’t the time for polite smiles or holding back because you’re afraid of judgment. If your marriage is falling apart over toothpaste cap placement or silent treatment stand-offs, say so. A counselor can’t help with what they don’t know.
Pretending everything is fine is like taking a broken car to the mechanic and saying, “Oh, it’s just a little noise.”
Share the real struggles, your fears, and your goals—ugly parts and all. Transparency opens the door for real healing.
2. Do the Work
Counselors don’t just hand out magical advice that instantly transforms your relationship. They give you tools—assignments, exercises, and insights—that require your participation.
It’s like going to the gym: you don’t get stronger by sitting on the bench scrolling Instagram. If your counselor suggests communication exercises or journaling, don’t roll your eyes and skip it. Those little assignments are where the rubber meets the road.
3. Stay Prayerful
God’s not just a backup plan for when counseling gets hard—He’s the foundation. Pray before and after each session. Ask God to open your heart, bring clarity to the mess, and heal what’s broken.
Counseling isn’t about inviting God into just one part of the process; it’s about making Him part of the entire journey. And here’s the beauty: as you invite God in, you might find Him working not only through the counselor but in your heart, too.
4. Manage Your Expectations
This isn’t a TV drama where breakthroughs happen by the end of the episode.
Counseling takes time, and change is often slow and unglamorous. Some weeks will feel like you’re making huge strides; others, like you’re stuck in neutral. Trust the process. Healing isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress.
5. Take Responsibility
Sure, your counselor has wisdom and tools, but they aren’t your personal problem-fixer. The Holy Spirit isn’t going to swoop in and fix what you refuse to acknowledge or work on. Both you and your spouse have to take responsibility for your part in the mess. This means owning up to mistakes, apologizing, forgiving, and making changes. The counselor is your guide, not your savior.
6. Keep Showing Up
There will be days when you don’t feel like going, when it seems easier to avoid the hard conversations or just throw in the towel.
Go anyway.
Sometimes, just showing up and staying engaged is the breakthrough you didn’t know you needed.
A Final Word
Seeking outside help isn’t a sign of failure; it’s a courageous step toward healing. Whether you start with your pastor, a professional counselor, or both, the key is to find someone equipped to guide you through the unique challenges of your situation.
If you’re married to a narcissist or navigating patterns of control and manipulation, healing can feel overwhelming. But with the right support—and a firm commitment to truth—you can find freedom and restoration. God designed marriage to be a reflection of His love, not a prison of control or fear. Taking action to restore your relationship honors that design.
About Darren Stott
Darren Stott is a pastor, speaker, and senior leader of Eden Church, a movement focused on freedom, healing, and restoration. With campuses in Arlington and Newcastle, Washington, Darren is passionate about helping individuals and couples find hope and healing through biblical truth and practical wisdom.
For more resources, insights, and invitations to special events, join our email list at darrenstott.com. Let’s navigate this journey together, one step at a time.