We’re continuing our blog series on What to Do When Your Marriage is in Trouble. If you haven’t caught the previous entries yet, do yourself a favor and go back to the beginning. Trust me—it’s worth it for the full picture, because all of these ideas build on each other.
But today, we’re diving into something serious: what to do when you realize you’re married to someone who… let’s just say it… has a bit too much in common with Darth Vader.
Surviving Darth Vader: The Straight Talk on Abuse and Control in Relationships
When it comes to relationships, there’s a lot of murky water to wade through.
A lot.
You’ve got roses, chocolates, and date nights on one side, and then on the other, you’ve got all those hard conversations, the resentments, and—let’s be honest—the outright toxicity that sometimes sneaks in the back door like a raccoon that just discovered your trash can.
Abuse in relationships? Now that’s more like a rabid raccoon that got real cozy in your kitchen. It’s there, it’s not supposed to be, and it can be pretty dangerous. So let’s talk about that raccoon.
Recognizing Narcissism and Abuse
These days, narcissism is one of the most misunderstood and overused labels in our culture. People throw the term around lightly—like calling anyone who pauses to snap a selfie 'narcissistic.' But true narcissism is far more complex and deeply rooted than this surface-level misconception.
Real narcissism isn’t just about the person who loves themselves a bit too much; it’s more like someone who loves themselves to the point they can’t stand the idea that you might also be a whole person.
If you’re in a relationship where someone’s convinced they’re the only full, complex human being in the room, while you’re basically just an accessory—well, that’s one big red flag right there.
Abuse and control in relationships are like moldy bread; once you spot it, it’s usually spread further than you think. Abuse isn’t always about black eyes and broken bones, either.
There are subtler ways it creeps in—manipulation, controlling your time and friendships, the constant belittling or gaslighting to make you feel about as substantial as a rice cake.
One day, you’re just minding your business, and the next, you’re questioning if you even have the right to choose your own friends.
Narcissists tend to be good at hiding this at first. Think of a narcissist like one of those haunted house guides who takes you by the hand and says, “Trust me, nothing to worry about!” And then BAM! You’re in a maze of emotional horror. You end up doubting your own thoughts, feeling isolated, and walking on eggshells.
It’s Not Just “Rough Times”
A big misconception, and I mean big, is that abuse can be worked through if you just try hard enough.
Like it’s just another relationship hiccup. Look, if someone’s treating you like a punching bag—whether that’s emotionally, mentally, or physically—it’s not a “tough phase.” It’s not going to just clear up like acne in your 20s. Abuse isn’t something you “get through.” It’s a violation of your safety and your dignity.
Even the Bible, the very foundation some people try to twist to defend staying in unhealthy situations, speaks against abuse.
Proverbs 10:6 says, “Blessings crown the head of the righteous, but violence overwhelms the mouth of the wicked.”
Let me be real clear here: “violence” isn’t just fists. It’s also manipulation, controlling behavior, and words that make you feel less than human.
In other words, that nagging feeling you get when someone’s treating you poorly isn’t just in your head. The Holy Spirit is sending you red alerts, and ignoring those can land you in a pretty dangerous place.
Abuse isn’t something you handle alone; it’s something that needs a reckoning, ideally from the outside.
Breaking the Cycle
Now, we’ve all heard that classic line, “Everyone deserves a second chance,” right? But when we’re talking about abuse, that second chance should come with a whole load of responsibility and transparency, not blind forgiveness.
If you’re dealing with someone who’s crossing boundaries repeatedly, forgiveness without consequence is just giving them a pass to do it all over again.
Breaking the cycle of abuse requires immediate action—and with backup.
If you’re facing physical abuse, your number one move is always to secure your safety. This is the point where you pull in the big dogs: 911, a pastor, home group leader, a counselor, a shelter, even that neighbor who lifts weights in his garage and seems to know everybody’s business.
It’s time to prioritize your well-being, remembering that caring for yourself is not selfish but a reflection of God's desire for us to steward our lives wisely. After all, we are called to love others as we love ourselves—and that begins with honoring the life God has entrusted to us.
Finding a Jedi for the Relationship Battle
Once you’re safe (or if the abuse is less physical but still harmful), the next step is seeking help with someone neutral. This isn’t a job for your best friend, who will give you biased pep talks about how your partner’s the worst person alive. What you need is someone like a pastor, a counselor, or even a mediator who can handle the situation without getting emotionally tangled. If they have experience in handling relationship abuse, even better.
Getting an unbiased third party is critical, because here’s the kicker: narcissistic or controlling partners are experts at twisting words and creating confusion. It’s hard to call out toxic behavior when you’re the only one seeing it. Bringing in a neutral party not only shines a light on the problem, but it helps cut through the manipulation and control tactics that can make you feel isolated or trapped.
Narcissists and Control Freaks Don’t Get to Call the Shots
Now, sometimes an abusive partner will tell you outright that you “better not” seek outside help. And if you’re thinking, “Well, that’s a bit suspicious,” you’re onto something.
When someone actively resists letting you speak with others, it’s usually because they know that their behavior doesn’t stand up to any kind of outside scrutiny.
If your partner’s response to your attempts at healthy intervention is to shut it down, there’s no clearer sign that something’s wrong.
Relationships don’t survive by keeping one person in the dark; they thrive on transparency, respect, and equal footing.
If your partner has a hard time with that, it’s worth considering that they may not have your best interest at heart.
Remember: they have no legal right to dictate who you can or cannot speak to about your well-being.
Whether it’s a counselor, a pastor, or a trusted professional, if you feel compelled to reach out, that’s your choice. Not theirs.
The Truth Will Set You Free
When it comes down to it, truth-telling is your ticket to freedom. Abuse and control thrive in the shadows, under layers of manipulation and guilt-tripping that keep you guessing and second-guessing.
The Bible says, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32).
If you’re stuck in a loop of feeling “not enough” or “too much” all at once, that’s not your identity—that’s abuse talking. And here’s the good news: it doesn’t have to stay that way.
Practical Steps to Start Walking in Freedom
So, what do you do next? Here’s the actionable rundown:
1. Recognize the Signs of Abuse and Control
Abuse comes in many forms, and recognizing it is the first step to breaking free. Be aware of these signs:
Gaslighting: Constantly being told, “You’re overreacting,” “That never happened,” or “You’re imagining things,” when you know the truth.
Isolation: Being discouraged or outright prevented from seeing friends, family, or anyone who could support you.
Physical Harm: Any form of physical aggression, intimidation, or violence, no matter how minor it may seem at first.
Sexual Abuse: Being forced into sexual activity without your full consent or being pressured to perform acts you’re uncomfortable with, even within a marriage or relationship.
Economic Abuse: Controlling your access to money or resources, such as withholding your paycheck, giving you an allowance, or sabotaging your ability to work or manage finances.
Emotional Abuse: Constant criticism, belittling, name-calling, or manipulation designed to make you feel unworthy or incapable.
Spiritual Abuse: Using your faith or beliefs to manipulate or control you, such as twisting scripture to justify their behavior or to make you feel guilty.
2. Set Clear Boundaries
Decide what behaviors you will and won’t accept, and clearly communicate them. For example:
“I won’t engage in conversations where I’m being yelled at or demeaned.”
“I will not cancel plans with my friends or family because you demand it.”
If your boundaries are consistently ignored or disrespected, consider it a major red flag that the relationship may be unhealthy.
3. Seek Support from Professionals
Reach out to people equipped to help you process and take next steps. This could include:
A licensed counselor or therapist trained in dealing with abuse.
A trusted pastor who can provide spiritual guidance and accountability.
A mediator if you’re trying to safely navigate changes in a relationship.
Avoid solely leaning on friends or family, as their bias or lack of expertise could hinder your progress.
4. Refrain from Gossiping About Your Relationship
Instead of venting to everyone in your social circle, focus on sharing your concerns with people who can help. For example:
Schedule a session with a counselor to work through your feelings.
If you need prayer support, ask a pastor or trusted prayer group, rather than broadcasting your struggles to everyone.
This will prevent unnecessary drama and keep the focus on productive solutions.
5. Prioritize Your Safety—Physically and Emotionally
If you feel physically unsafe, leave immediately and call 911 or a domestic violence hotline. For example, the National Domestic Violence Hotline in the U.S. is 800-799-SAFE (7233).
If emotional safety is a concern, create space for yourself by minimizing contact or arranging for time apart while seeking help.
Have a safety plan in place, like identifying trusted people who can help you leave or shelter you if necessary.
A Final Word
Abuse isn’t just “tough times.” It’s not what God intends for you, and it’s not something you were created to endure. You are not called to live under the weight of fear, shame, or control. Abuse is a violation of the worth and dignity God has given you, and it demands action, courage, and the support of His truth and love.
Breaking free from cycles of abuse, stepping away from toxic control, and reclaiming the abundant life God promises is a journey of faith and transformation. It won’t always be easy, but every boundary set, every prayer lifted, and every step forward is a testimony of God’s strength working in you. His grace will sustain you, and His love will restore you.
You are a beloved child of God, created in His image and redeemed through Christ. You are worth fighting for because God has already fought for you. He sees your pain, hears your cries, and walks beside you, offering the courage and wisdom to take the next step toward healing.
The truth will set you free, and that truth is found in God’s love. Trust in Him, lean on His promises, and allow His light to guide you out of the darkness. Your freedom is waiting, and God’s arms are open wide to welcome you into the peace and joy you deserve.