We’re continuing our blog series on What to Do When Your Marriage is in Trouble. If you haven’t caught the previous entries yet, do yourself a favor and go back to the beginning. Trust me—it’s worth it for the full picture, because all of these ideas build on each other.
Today’s topic: confronting your spouse directly when issues arise—and why avoiding this step can keep you trapped in cycles of resentment, gossip, and unaddressed pain.
Now, if you’re sitting there thinking, “Isn’t confrontation just picking a fight?” or “Can’t I just vent to my friends instead?”—I’ve got news for you. Confrontation, when done right, is one of the most powerful and transformative acts in any relationship.
It’s like setting a bone that’s been out of place for far too long—painful, yes, but necessary for healing. And let’s be honest—no one likes the idea of confrontation. It’s uncomfortable, it’s awkward, and it forces you to look at things you’d rather ignore. But growth happens in the discomfort. And if you want a healthy marriage, you’ve got to be willing to get uncomfortable.
Avoiding Confrontation: The Silent Killer of Marriages
Let’s start by being real about what happens when you avoid confronting issues in your marriage. Maybe your spouse says something hurtful, or they do something that crosses a boundary. You feel that gut reaction—anger, frustration, hurt—but instead of addressing it, you shove it down, bury it deep, and tell yourself, “It’s not worth the fight.”
But what happens?
That little seed of resentment starts to grow. And it doesn’t just go away because you ignore it. No, it lingers, festers, and over time, it becomes this massive wall between you and your spouse.
Let’s be clear—avoiding confrontation is like refusing to change the oil in your car. You might think you’re saving time and avoiding hassle, but eventually, the engine seizes up, and you’re stranded on the side of the road, wondering how things got so bad. You have two choices: confront the issues as they come or let them pile up until the damage is almost irreversible. And trust me, the latter option costs a lot more.
The Right Way to Confront
Now, let’s talk about how to confront your spouse the right way.
This isn’t about rolling up to your spouse with a list of grievances like you’re preparing for a courtroom drama. It’s about honest, direct communication. And here’s the thing—before you even go to your spouse, you’ve got to check yourself first. You’ve got to make sure you’re not coming in hot, swinging with all the emotions. That’s a quick way to start a fight, not solve a problem.
Here’s the approach: Own your feelings. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” or “You’re always ignoring my needs,” start with I statements. “I felt hurt when this happened,” or “I’m struggling with feeling disconnected.” Why? Because when you use “I” statements, you’re taking responsibility for your own emotions instead of placing blame. It opens the door for a conversation rather than a confrontation.
And let’s be honest—when you come at someone with, “You always…” or “You never…”, you’re pretty much lighting the fuse on a stick of dynamite. This is like showing up to a housewarming party and immediately complaining about the wallpaper—nobody’s going to listen to you after that.
NEVER Gossip ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE
Now, this is where a lot of people get it wrong, and I mean a lot.
When their spouse hurts them, instead of going directly to them, they go to their friends. They vent, they spill all the details, and they call it “getting support” or “asking for advice.” But let’s be real—that’s just a fancy way of dressing up gossip. It’s taking the issue to everyone except the one person who can actually do something about it.
Think of it this way: if you’ve got a leaky pipe, you don’t call your neighbor and complain about it. You call the plumber, the one person who can actually do something about it. They’re the one you need to have the conversation with, not your friends, not your mom, and not your coworker. And when you go to someone else before you go to your spouse, you’re not just avoiding the issue—you’re violating trust. You’re creating a divide where there should be unity.
When Confrontation Is Done Right, It’s Transformative
When you confront your spouse with honesty, humility, and a genuine desire for resolution, it opens up the opportunity for growth. You see, the goal of confrontation isn’t to “win” or to prove who’s right. It’s to address the issue, clear the air, and move forward. It’s not about winning a battle; it’s about strengthening the foundation of your relationship. And that requires a shift in mindset.
Imagine you’re in a soccer match, and your goal is to score points. The moment you start focusing on taking down your teammate instead of working together to score, you’re sabotaging your own chances of victory. It’s the same in marriage. You and your spouse are a team, and when issues arise, the point isn’t to “win” against each other but to work together to overcome the problem. You’re both on the same side—don’t lose sight of that.
The Bible’s Approach: Go Directly to Them
This isn’t just some modern relationship advice; it’s biblical wisdom. The Bible makes it clear: when someone sins against you, go to them directly (Matthew 18:15). That means, no detours to your friends, no subtle passive-aggressive comments hoping they’ll get the hint—just straightforward, honest communication.
And look, I get it. Direct confrontation is uncomfortable. It feels vulnerable, and it takes a lot of courage. But the alternative is far worse. When you avoid addressing the issue, it doesn’t go away—it grows. And instead of building intimacy and trust, you create distance and resentment.
Now, here’s an important point: when you go to your spouse, the goal is not to attack. It’s not to unload all your frustrations like you’re opening the floodgates. Approach with humility. The Bible talks about this, too—speaking the truth in love. You’re not there to accuse or to condemn. You’re there to build a bridge, not burn it.
When You Need a Neutral Third Party
But let’s say you’ve confronted your spouse. You’ve had the conversation, and it didn’t go the way you hoped. Maybe they’re not receptive. Maybe they’re defensive. At this point, you might feel stuck. This is where you bring in a neutral third party—someone like a pastor, counselor, or trusted mentor who can help mediate the situation.
And let’s clarify something here: this third party shouldn’t be your best friend from college or your neighbor who just loves hearing the latest gossip. It should be someone who has the wisdom, experience, and maturity to guide the conversation and hold both of you accountable. It’s about finding a referee who can keep things on track, not someone who’ll take sides.
When you bring in a neutral party, you’re not admitting defeat—you’re admitting that you care enough about the relationship to seek help. It’s like bringing in a coach when your game isn’t working. It doesn’t mean you’re losing; it means you’re committed to winning in the right way.
What to Do When Confrontation Isn’t Safe
If you’re in a situation where you genuinely feel threatened, do not hesitate to seek immediate help. This might mean reaching out to a trusted pastor, counselor, or, if necessary, law enforcement. This is not a time for shame or fear—it’s about your safety and well-being. The Bible is clear: no one has the right to use power or control to inflict harm. Establishing firm boundaries and taking steps to protect yourself is not only wise but necessary. It’s an act of stewardship over your own life and well-being, aligning with God’s heart for you to live in freedom and peace, not fear or oppression.
Now, it’s important to differentiate between casual misuse of the term toxic and actual unsafe or abusive situations. When confrontation isn’t safe, such as in an environment where physical or emotional abuse is present, the rules absolutely change. Safety becomes the priority, and any confrontation should take place in a controlled, protected setting.
The term toxic or the idea that "this person isn't safe" has become a trending, easy-to-use cliché. It’s a label that many people quickly learn the power of and then use as a weapon, often without much thought or discernment. If you find yourself frequently using the word toxic or phrases like not safe as a regular part of your vocabulary, it’s crucial to be cautious. Not only are you modeling this behavior to your children—who will, trust me, start using these terms liberally on just about everyone, from the Starbucks barista to the person taking their order at McDonald's—but you may also be revealing a deeper issue. When these words become habitual, it could indicate the presence of a victim mindset, a disposition that sees danger or offense where it may not actually exist. This mindset might require gentle deconstruction, rooted in solid biblical discernment, and possibly the guidance of a professional counselor.
A Call to Courage
Confrontation is necessary for growth.
It’s uncomfortable, it’s awkward, but it’s also the doorway to a stronger, healthier marriage. You can’t avoid it, and you can’t delegate it to your friends. It’s your responsibility, and it’s your opportunity.
When you confront your spouse, you’re not just addressing a problem—you’re building a bridge. You’re saying, “I value this relationship enough to have this uncomfortable conversation.” And when done with love, humility, and honesty, confrontation isn’t a wedge that drives you apart. It’s a tool that brings you closer together.
So, next time you feel that tension rising, that urge to sweep things under the rug or vent to someone else, remember this: Courage is confronting the issue head-on, trusting that God will work through the discomfort to bring about healing and growth.
And if you get it right, it’s a step that could transform not only your marriage but your life.
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
Need more practical help in the area of confrontation and conflict management? Here are some of my favorite books on the topic that offer valuable insights and strategies: