Welcome back!
We’re continuing our blog series on What to Do When Your Marriage is in Trouble. If you haven’t caught the previous entries yet, do yourself a favor and go back to the beginning.
Trust me—it’s worth it for the full picture, because all of these ideas build on each other.
Today, we’re tackling a big one: control.
[Insert dramatic soundtrack here: BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMM!]
If you’re like most of us, you’ve probably tried to control a situation or two—or maybe you’ve tried to control everything, from the way the towels are folded to your spouse’s behavior. And, surprise surprise, it hasn’t worked out so well. That’s because control is a sneaky thing. It makes you think you’re fixing something, when in reality, you’re just tightening the leash on a relationship that should be about love, trust, and freedom.
It’s important to note that this issue of control isn’t gender-specific. Both men and women can struggle with this, and often for different reasons.
Maybe you think you’re helping by organizing your partner’s schedule, or perhaps you step in when you feel like you’re more “capable.” Either way, the result is the same—an imbalance that leaves both partners feeling drained.
So, how do we let go of control? How do we trust instead of trying to manipulate every little detail in our marriages? We’re going to break this down step by step.
Step 1: Accept the Fact That You’re Not Actually in Control
This is where it all begins—admitting you’re not actually in control.
That might sound simple, but it’s one of the hardest things to do. You might think you’re just “organizing” or “helping things go smoother,” but if we’re being real, those are often just fancy ways of saying, “I’m making sure things go my way.”
For men, this might look like over-managing finances or dictating how certain tasks are done around the house.
For women, it could be rearranging the dishwasher after it’s loaded or frequently offering “helpful” reminders. Whatever form it takes, control can creep into a marriage like an uninvited houseguest, slowly taking over.
Proverbs 16:9 tells us, “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.”
Here’s the truth: we’re never really in control, not in the big sense. Sure, we can make plans, fold laundry a certain way, or send out reminders, but at the end of the day, only God can direct the true course of our lives. And guess what? That includes your spouse.
Control is Exhausting—For Both of You
The problem with trying to control everything is that it’s downright exhausting. It’s like being a one-person orchestra where you’re expected to play all the instruments simultaneously. You think you’re managing everything, but in reality, you’re out of tune and out of energy.
Here’s a scenario. You want everything to go smoothly, so you plan every last detail of your week. You create color-coded schedules for the family, you remind your spouse multiple times about dinner plans, and you get frustrated when things don’t go according to your master plan. Then, instead of helping, your spouse gets distant. They stop engaging because, frankly, who wants to feel micromanaged in their own home?
This can happen regardless of whether you’re a husband or a wife. Over-managing details can cause your spouse to pull away, feeling less engaged or even resentful, and in turn, you both end up feeling worn out.
Matthew 11:28 says, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Control adds weight, both to your relationship and to your own heart. Letting go of that need to manage every detail is the first step towards finding real rest.
Step 2: Letting Go of the Outcome
Here’s where things get tricky. Letting go of control means letting go of the outcome. This is the part that freaks most people out.
If you’re not pulling the strings, who is?
What if things go wrong?
What if your spouse makes a decision you don’t agree with?
What if—gasp—they mess up?
And now comes the uncomfortable truth: that’s okay!
Part of being in a relationship, especially a marriage, is trusting your spouse enough to let them make mistakes. It’s trusting them enough to let them take responsibility for their own actions without you stepping in to “fix” everything. It’s realizing that love and control don’t go hand in hand.
1 Corinthians 13:7 says, “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
Notice what’s not on that list?
Love doesn’t control all things.
Love gives freedom, even when it’s uncomfortable, even when it means things don’t go perfectly according to plan.
Whether you're a husband or a wife, trying to control every outcome in your marriage is like holding your partner’s arm behind their back instead of gently holding their hand. One is a partnership. The other is force, and force isn’t love.
Step 3: Trust is Not Passive—It’s Active
Now, some of you might be thinking, But if I let go of control, won’t everything fall apart?
I get it. Letting go feels risky. It feels passive. But trust me, it’s not. Trust isn’t sitting back and doing nothing.
Trust is actively choosing to let God and your spouse step up without you orchestrating every move.
Psalm 37:5 says, “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.” Trust is active because it involves a decision.
And you know what’s funny? When you stop trying to control everything, you might find that your spouse rises to the occasion. Whether you're a man or a woman, giving your partner space allows them to step up. Maybe they load the dishwasher “wrong,” but they start taking on more responsibility in areas you never even asked for. Maybe they don’t handle a situation the way you would have, but they figure it out on their own—and your marriage grows stronger because of it.
Why Letting Go of Control Leads to Real Freedom
Here’s the bottom line: letting go of control leads to real freedom, not just for your spouse but for you.
When you stop micromanaging every aspect of your relationship, you give both of you space to grow, to learn, and to love without the constant pressure of perfection.
Galatians 5:1 says, “For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.”
Control is a yoke—it’s heavy, restrictive, and it keeps you and your spouse from experiencing the true freedom God intended for your marriage.
The Freedom in Letting Go
So, where does this leave us?
Letting go of control isn’t about doing nothing—it’s about trusting God, trusting your spouse, and trusting that things will work out, even when they don’t go exactly according to your plan.
It’s about releasing that tight grip you have on the outcome and letting real love—trusting, freeing, and imperfect love—take its place.
As you move forward, ask yourself, “Where am I holding too tightly? Where can I give my spouse more freedom, and myself more peace?” It won’t happen overnight, but as you start to release control, you’ll find that what comes in its place is so much more fulfilling.
Stay tuned for more insights in this series, and if you’re looking for additional resources or support, check out darrenstott.com.