What Causes Marriage Problems? Understanding the Root Issues
Welcome back! This is part of our blog series on What to Do When Your Marriage is in Trouble. If you haven’t had a chance to read the previous posts, be sure to go back and read the entire series for maximum effectiveness. Each blog builds on the last, giving you the tools and insights to bring healing and restoration to your relationship.
Today, we’re diving into a critical topic—what actually causes marriage problems.
Spoiler alert: it’s usually not just one thing. But the good news is, by identifying the root issues, you can start addressing them head-on and work towards building a stronger, healthier marriage.
Plates are plates. They’ll be fine.
Have you ever found yourself in a heated argument over something as ridiculous as the way the dishwasher was loaded? You know, one of those moments where you start off talking about something small—like plates—and before you know it, you’re debating existential life questions like, “Does my spouse even love me?” and “Why are we still living like this?”
It always starts out simple. You walk into the kitchen, humming to yourself, and then... boom. The dishwasher looks like a blind man failed at a game of kitchen Tetris. Plates are on the top rack, the cups are stuffed in there sideways, and you’re pretty sure the forks are organized by chaos theory.
You stare at it for a second, taking it in like you're at some abstract art exhibit—or maybe just staring at solid evidence of genetic stupidity. And before you can stop yourself, the words tumble out.
“Why are the plates on the top rack?” You try to keep it casual, but inside you’re thinking, Who does this? Who raised you? Is this a cry for help?
Your spouse looks up from their phone, inconvenienced by your question. “What’s wrong with the top rack?”
Now, this is where things get dicey. You take a deep breath, like you're about to give a TED Talk no one asked for. “The water doesn’t even reach the plates up there.”
They shrug, completely unfazed. “Plates are plates. They’ll be fine.”
And now, here it comes—the storm building inside you. Plates are plates? That’s like saying cats are dogs. You can’t just throw things anywhere and expect it to work! That’s how you end up with dirty plates and a messy marriage! But, you’re cool. You can stay calm. After all, it’s just the dishwasher, right?
“That’s not how it works. Plates go on the bottom, where the water can actually hit them. You don’t just—" And then it hits you. This isn’t about the plates anymore. This is about something deeper, darker—like the time they forgot your birthday, or the fact they’ve been using your good towels as gym rags.
But instead of going down the rabbit hole, you pause, giving them the chance to make this right. A little acknowledgment, a little ownership of their crimes. Maybe even an apology.
What do you get instead? An eye roll so big, it’s like they’re trying to check out the back of their own small, thick, empty skull.
“Well, maybe if you actually loaded the dishwasher once in a while, we wouldn’t have this problem,” they say, leaning back in their chair like they just delivered a wisdom nugget straight from the mouth of Confucius.
Now, this is where things go off the rails. I load the dishwasher! I do! But they said it so confidently that now you’re starting to doubt yourself. Like, Do I load the dishwasher? Have I ever? Am I the problem?
You shake it off. No. Not today, Satan. You’re not falling for it. “I load the dishwasher correctly when I do it, though. You know, with logic and reason. Not... whatever this is.”
They smirk, and you’re pretty sure you can hear angels weeping in the background. “Logic and reason? Oh, wow, I didn’t realize we were turning this into a Socratic dialogue. What’s next, you gonna start quoting Plato on the cutlery? Clearly, your parents’ investment in that Classical Education is finally paying off.” And just like that, the dishwasher has officially become a metaphor for your entire marriage.
You cross your arms, leaning against the counter like you’re gearing up for the showdown at high noon. “It’s not just the dishwasher. You never listen to me.”
Their eyebrows shoot up like you just accused them of a federal crime. “Never listen to you? Babe, you act like you’re out here dropping secret codes to the universe. You’re mad about the plates. Get a life!”
You want to laugh, but it’s too late. The dam has broken, and here comes the flood. “Oh, it’s about more than the plates. It’s about the fact that I asked you last week to fix the garage door and you said you’d do it, but here we are, still ducking under it like we’re freakin’ Indiana Jones!”
“Oh, here we go. You’re gonna bring up the garage door now? Next thing you know, you’ll be throwing 2014 in my face like I didn’t forget our anniversary because I was at work, keeping the lights on in this place!”
More shots fired! You’re not just talking about dishes or doors anymore. You’re unraveling seven years of pent-up frustrations in front of the dishwasher, all because some plates are taking a joyride on the top rack.
It’s always the small stuff that cracks the dam, isn’t it?
It’s almost never about the dishwasher. These small conflicts usually point to something deeper that’s been bubbling under the surface. Maybe it’s a lack of communication, unmet expectations, or feeling unappreciated. The dirty dishes are just the spark that ignites the real issue.
Ephesians 4:26 (ESV) gives us this wisdom: "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger."
It’s a reminder that small issues, when left unresolved, can snowball into something much bigger. Just like that warning light on your car dashboard, these minor arguments are signals that something deeper needs attention. Ignoring them doesn’t make the issue go away—it just means you’ll be stranded on the side of the road sooner or later.
While the small things can set off arguments, the real culprits behind most marriage problems are disconnection and unmet expectations.
Disconnection: Over time, life happens. You get busy with work, kids, and responsibilities. What used to be long conversations over dinner turns into quick exchanges about the kids’ schedule or who’s picking up groceries. It’s not that you’ve stopped loving each other, but the emotional connection starts to weaken.
Proverbs 18:21 tells us, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue." This highlights how important your words and communication are. When communication breaks down, the emotional bond begins to fray.
This is why you might feel like you’re living more like roommates than partners. You’re sharing a life, but not really sharing life. When the emotional connection is lost, everything else—intimacy, trust, patience—starts to deteriorate.
Unmet Expectations: Unmet expectations are the silent marriage killer. Often, they’re not even spoken out loud, but they’re there. You expected marriage to look a certain way. Maybe you thought your spouse would do more around the house or you envisioned a more exciting, adventurous life together. Over time, these expectations can morph into disappointments, and if left unchecked, they turn into resentment.
James 4:1-2 says, "What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?"
Unmet desires can quickly lead to conflict if we’re not open about them. Sometimes we don’t even realize what our expectations are until they go unmet.
Communication is one of the first things to suffer when marriages are in trouble.
And not just any communication—meaningful communication. We’re not talking about the "Can you grab milk on your way home?" type of talk. We’re talking about the heart-to-heart conversations that used to come naturally.
When communication breaks down, it creates a space for misunderstandings, assumptions, and worst of all—distance. You stop sharing your thoughts and feelings, and the distance grows. Eventually, you’re living with someone you barely recognize emotionally.
Proverbs 13:17 tells us, “A wicked messenger falls into trouble, but a faithful envoy brings healing.”
When we communicate faithfully and openly with our spouses, we open the door for healing and reconciliation. But when we hide, avoid, or simply shut down, we fall into the trap of distance and isolation.
Another major cause of marriage problems that can’t be ignored is unforgiveness.
Whether it’s a small offense or a significant betrayal, holding onto hurt creates a barrier that’s hard to overcome. Unforgiveness is like a heavy chain around your relationship, keeping you stuck in the past instead of moving forward.
Matthew 6:14 says, "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you."
It’s not easy to forgive, but it’s essential for a healthy marriage. When we don’t forgive, we leave room for bitterness to grow. And once bitterness takes root, it can choke out the love and trust that once held your marriage together.
It’s not just about saying, “I forgive you.” Real forgiveness requires vulnerability, humility, and the willingness to let go of the hurt—whether or not your spouse fully acknowledges the pain they caused. It’s about freeing yourself and opening the door for healing.
Once you’ve identified some of the root causes of your marriage problems—whether it’s disconnection, unmet expectations, communication breakdown, or unforgiveness—the next step is to bring these issues into the light.
Ephesians 5:13 reminds us, "But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible."
In other words, healing begins when you’re honest about what’s really going on.
This means having an open, honest, and humble conversation with your spouse about what you’re feeling and experiencing. It’s not about blaming them or pointing fingers—it’s about expressing your heart and being vulnerable. Vulnerability is hard, especially if there’s been hurt, but it’s the only way to start rebuilding trust and connection.
Marriage problems are complex, and they don’t stem from just one issue. Whether it’s disconnection, unmet expectations, or unforgiveness, the key is to address these root issues with open, honest, and humble communication.
Don’t let small conflicts snowball into something bigger by ignoring them. Instead, have the hard conversations now, before it’s too late.
Remember, marriage is a journey, not a destination. There will be bumps along the way, but with God’s grace and a commitment to facing issues head-on, healing is possible.
About the Author:
Darren Stott is a powerhouse revivalist known for walking in signs-and-wonders, miracles, and salvations. His Portals University has equipped thousands with the practices needed to engage the heavenly windows of opportunity. Darren is a joy guy—whether he's leading people to Jesus or equipping a room of businessmen, Darren is known for the sort of joy that is able to drive a point home and see dramatic life change. Darren Stott is a Pastor, Author, Podcaster, Radio Host, and Founder of Supernaturalist Ministries.
For more information and resources, visit darrenstott.com.