If you’re reading this, and you are, it’s likely that either you or someone you know is facing some turbulence in their marriage.
Maybe it’s more than just the usual squabbles over whose turn it is to take out the trash, or perhaps you’ve been stuck in an unending loop of silent treatments, each one colder than the last.
Whatever the case, you're in the right place, because today, we’re diving into what to do when your marriage is in trouble, and how you can start turning things around.
Now, I know what you might be thinking: "Why should I listen to this guy? My situation is different." And you’re right—every marriage is as unique as the people in it. But here’s the kicker: the foundational issues that cause marital strife are often strikingly similar across the board. And if we can pinpoint those, we can begin to heal them.
The Problem With Keeping Things in the Dark
In Ephesians 5:13, Paul says, “But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible.” Now, Paul wasn’t just talking about the suspicious-looking leftovers in your fridge. He was getting at something much deeper—the fact that problems only get worse when they’re hidden in the dark.
And speaking of suspicious-looking leftovers, let’s say they’re starting to grow a nice fuzzy coat—yup, that’s mold! It might be funny in your fridge, but it’s no joke in your marriage. Just like those leftovers, problems in your marriage can start to grow when they’re left unattended. The thing about mold is, it can grow anywhere, but it really thrives in those neglected, hidden corners where the light doesn’t reach—just like the issues in your relationship. When problems are left in the dark, they fester and spread, often unnoticed until they’ve caused serious damage.
When you’re too afraid to bring your issues into the light, they start to fester.
You might think you’re keeping the peace by not addressing the elephant in the room, but in reality, you’re just letting it grow fatter and more destructive.
Here’s the first hard truth: you need to bring your marital issues into the light. This doesn’t mean airing your dirty laundry on social media or telling your nosy neighbor all about your spouse's quirks. No, it means being honest with yourself, your spouse, and God. You can’t fix what you refuse to face.
Why Marriages Fail
Now, let’s get into the nitty-gritty of why marriages fail. It’s not like you wake up one day and decide, “You know what? Divorce sounds like a fun new adventure.” No, it’s a gradual process—a slow burn that starts with a spark of unresolved conflict and ends in a wildfire of resentment.
One of the biggest culprits?
Fear.
Yep, fear.
The Bible talks about fear in a way that’s almost paradoxical. On one hand, we’re told, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (Proverbs 9:10, ESV). But on the other, we’re also told, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18, ESV). So, what gives?
Here’s the thing: healthy fear—the kind that leads to wisdom—guides us towards making better choices. But the fear that creeps into a marriage isn’t the healthy kind. It’s the fear of rejection, the fear of vulnerability, the fear of being truly seen by the person who’s supposed to love you the most. And that fear? It’s a relationship killer.
Fear drives us to hide, to pretend everything’s fine when it’s not. It’s like trying to keep a beach ball underwater—it takes a lot of effort, and eventually, it’s going to pop up and hit you right in the face.
The Usual Suspects
If we’re going to talk about what’s really going wrong in your marriage, we need to discuss the unholy trinity of relationship destruction: fear, shame, and control.
These three amigos have been around since the dawn of time—literally. They made their debut in the Garden of Eden, and they’ve been wreaking havoc ever since.
Remember Genesis 3? Adam and Eve, the first couple, had it all. Paradise, an intimate relationship with God, and not a care in the world. That is, until they decided to snack on the one fruit God told them to avoid.
What happened next?
They realized they were naked (cue the shame), hid from God (hello, fear), and tried to cover themselves up with fig leaves (classic control move).
This same cycle plays out in marriages today. You make a mistake, feel ashamed, and instead of coming clean, you hide it.
You control the narrative, trying to maintain an image, but all the while, the relationship is deteriorating.
Fear leads to shame, shame leads to control, and control leads to—you guessed it—more fear.
Step 1: Conquering Fear
Alright, now that we’ve diagnosed the problem, let’s talk about solutions.
Step one: stop partnering with fear. Fear is like that friend who always borrows money but never pays it back—it takes and takes and leaves you worse off than before.
2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” Notice the contrast here? Fear is the opposite of power, love, and self-control. If you’re operating in fear, you’re missing out on the very tools you need to fix your marriage.
So how do you conquer fear? By acknowledging it. Call it out. Tell your spouse, “Hey, I’m scared. I’m scared of where this is heading, and I don’t want to lose you.”
Vulnerability is scary, but it’s also powerful. It’s the first step towards real healing.
Step 2: Shame Off You
Next up, we need to deal with shame. Shame is that little voice in your head that says, “You’re not good enough. If they really knew you, they wouldn’t love you.” But here’s the truth: shame is a liar.
Romans 8:1 reminds us, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” If you’re walking around with shame on your shoulders, it’s time to shake it off.
Shame doesn’t come from God; it comes from the enemy who wants to keep you trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and self-loathing.
Here’s a little secret: no one’s marriage is perfect. Everyone has issues. The key is not to let those issues define you. Instead of letting shame control your actions, let grace lead the way. Extend grace to yourself and your spouse. After all, you’re both human, and humans are notoriously imperfect.
Step 3: Letting Go of Control
Finally, let’s talk about control. We all like to think we’re in control, but the truth is, control is an illusion. It’s like trying to herd cats—no matter how hard you try, things are going to go their own way.
Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Control is rooted in pride, the belief that you can handle everything on your own. But spoiler alert: you can’t.
Letting go of control means trusting God with your marriage. It means admitting that you don’t have all the answers and that you can’t fix this on your own. And that’s okay. It’s not about giving up; it’s about giving over—handing your marriage over to the One who created it in the first place.
The Road to Healing
So, where do we go from here?
Well, if you’ve made it this far, congratulations—you’ve taken the first step towards healing. You’ve acknowledged that fear, shame, and control have been running the show, and you’re ready to change that.
The road to healing won’t be easy. It’s going to require vulnerability, humility, and a whole lot of grace. But here’s the good news: you’re not in this alone. God is with you, and He’s more invested in your marriage than you can imagine.
Jeremiah 29:11 reminds us, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
So, let’s step into that hope!! Let’s bring everything into the light and start the journey towards healing and restoration. Your marriage is worth fighting for, and with God on your side, there’s no battle you can’t win.
And remember, if you need some encouragement along the way, come back to this blog. We’ll be here, walking this journey with you, one step at a time.
I look forward to sharing more with you in the weeks ahead. Remember, what God has joined together, let no man separate. Don’t give up on God, don’t give up on your spouse, and don’t give up on yourself. God’s grace is sufficient. Stay tuned!